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The Beautiful Feeling of Being Seen

Last week, I wrote about the gift of connection.

About the conversations in the car. The late-night talks. The little moments that don’t look particularly important while they’re happening—but somehow become the moments that make us feel close.

Since then, I’ve been thinking about something else.

Being together and being present aren’t always the same thing.

I can be sitting right next to someone I love while thinking about six other things.

I can drive one of my girls somewhere while mentally working through tomorrow’s schedule.

I can ask, “How was your day?” while unloading groceries, checking a text, and trying to figure out what we’re having for dinner.

That’s life.

Especially in this season.

But every once in a while, there’s a moment when I actually stop.

I look at the person talking to me.

I listen without thinking about what I need to do next.

And something about the conversation changes.

Maybe that’s what presence really is.

Not being perfectly attentive all day long.

Just those little moments when someone can feel:

She’s really here with me.

There’s Something About Feeling Seen

Think about the people you love being around.

The ones who somehow make you feel a little more like yourself.

I’ve been thinking about what those people have in common.

Usually, they aren’t the people with all the answers.

They’re the people who are curious about you.

They remember something you told them.

They ask how something turned out.

They notice when you’re quieter than usual.

They laugh with you.

They let you tell the long version of the story.

And you walk away feeling a little lighter.

Not because they solved anything.

Because for a few minutes, you felt understood.

You felt seen.

I think we all need that more than we realize.

As My Girls Get Older

I’m noticing this more with my daughters.

When they were little, they made sure I noticed them.

“Mom! Watch this!”

“Mom! Look!”

“Did you see me?”

Sometimes approximately 47 times before breakfast.

There was no mystery about what they wanted.

They wanted me to look.

As they get older, the invitations aren’t always quite so obvious.

Sometimes it’s a story about school that seems completely random.

Sometimes it’s a video they want to show me.

Sometimes it’s sitting on my bed when I’m getting ready.

Sometimes it’s getting into the car and suddenly telling me something I had no idea they’d been thinking about.

I’m learning that I don’t always need to have the perfect response.

Actually, that’s been a relief.

I don’t have to turn every conversation into a lesson.

I don’t have to know exactly what to say.

Sometimes I can simply listen.

Sometimes I can say:

“That makes sense.”

“I can see why you felt that way.”

“Tell me more.”

And sometimes we just laugh.

Those conversations might not look important from the outside.

But I think they’re building something.

Present Over Perfect

I’ve always loved the idea behind Shauna Niequist’s Present Over Perfect.

One line from the book has stayed with me:

“I don’t want to get to the end of my life and look back and realize that the best thing about me was I was organized.” — Shauna Niequist, Present Over Perfect

That one hits me square between the eyes because…

I really do love being organized.

I love a good list.

I love when everyone is where they’re supposed to be, dinner is planned, the house is picked up, and somehow the laundry is actually done.

It’s a beautiful approximately eleven-minute window. 😂

And there’s nothing wrong with wanting our lives to run well.

But I don’t want to be so good at managing my life that I miss the people inside of it.

That’s the part I’m thinking about.

Because I suspect my girls aren’t going to remember whether I stayed perfectly on top of everything.

They’re going to remember how home felt.

The conversations.

The laughter.

The music in the kitchen.

The car rides.

The nights we stayed up talking.

The times I really listened.

And probably plenty of times when I didn’t.

Because I’m human too.

Presence Doesn’t Have to Become Another Thing We’re Bad At

This feels important to say.

The last thing any of us need is another thing we’re supposed to be doing perfectly.

Drink more water.

Exercise.

Meal prep.

Be productive.

Sleep eight hours.

Practice self-care.

Keep your house organized.

Be present every second of your children’s childhood because it goes so fast!

That’s…a lot.

I don’t think presence works like that.

We’re going to get distracted.

We’re going to look at our phones.

We’re going to be tired.

We’re going to half-listen to a story and realize halfway through that we have absolutely no idea what our child is talking about.

I’ve done it.

More than once.

Maybe presence isn’t about never getting distracted.

Maybe it’s simply about coming back.

Back to the person.

Back to the conversation.

Back to the moment we’re actually living.

No guilt required.

Just come back.

Sometimes We Need Someone to See Us Too

There’s another side to this that I think matters just as much.

We want our kids to feel seen.

We want our spouses to feel appreciated.

We want to be good friends.

But…

we want to feel seen too.

I certainly do.

There’s something wonderful about a friend texting:

“How did that thing go today?”

Because she remembered.

Or someone looking at you and saying:

“Are you actually okay?”

Or your husband noticing that you’ve had a long day.

We all want someone who knows the difference between our “I’m fine” and our actual fine.

There’s another line from Niequist that I love:

“It is better to be loved than admired.” — Shauna Niequist, Present Over Perfect

I’ve been sitting with that one.

Because being admired and being known aren’t the same thing.

Being known is messier.

It’s letting people see the parts of our lives that aren’t wrapped up nicely.

It’s admitting we’re overwhelmed sometimes.

Or lonely.

Or excited about something we’re almost embarrassed to be excited about.

Or unsure about what comes next.

And maybe there is something really freeing about realizing we don’t have to have everything figured out to be deeply loved.

The People Who Make Life Feel Lighter

I’ve started noticing the people who make life feel lighter.

The friend who lets you talk something out without trying to fix it.

The person who sends the funny text at exactly the right moment.

The child who climbs into your bed just to talk.

The spouse who knows when you need a hug more than an answer.

The person who remembers.

The person who asks.

The person who stays.

Those relationships are such a gift.

And maybe we don’t say that enough.

Sometimes we assume people know what they mean to us.

Maybe they do.

But it still feels good to hear it.

There Is Still So Much Time for This

I think motherhood can sometimes make us feel like we’re constantly running out of time.

They’re growing.

They’re changing.

Another school year starts.

Another birthday comes.

And suddenly we’re wondering where the little kid went.

I feel that too.

But I’m trying not to let the speed of it all make me afraid.

Because there’s something else that’s true:

There is still so much life happening right now.

So many conversations we haven’t had yet.

So many dinners.

So many car rides.

So many inside jokes we haven’t created.

So many ordinary Tuesdays.

So many opportunities to know our children as the people they’re becoming.

Our relationships with them aren’t ending because they’re getting older.

They’re changing.

And there can be something really beautiful about that too.

The same is true of marriage.

And friendship.

And even our relationship with ourselves.

We are all still becoming.

Maybe Presence Is Smaller Than We Think

Maybe being present isn’t a lifestyle we finally master.

Maybe it’s a collection of really small moments.

Looking up.

Laughing together.

Remembering something someone told us.

Sitting in the car for another minute.

Listening to the story.

Calling the friend.

Letting someone listen to us.

Saying, “I’ve missed you.”

Saying, “I’m really happy you’re here.”

Saying, “Tell me more.”

None of those things are extraordinary.

But put enough of them together and they start to look a lot like a life.

A life where people feel known.

A life where we feel known too.

Something I’m Thinking About This Week

Instead of giving myself another goal, I’m simply trying to notice.

Who makes me feel seen?

When do my girls seem most open?

When do I feel closest to my husband?

Which friendships leave me feeling more like myself?

And when one of those little openings for connection appears, can I stay there for just a minute?

That’s it.

No perfect presence.

No pressure to soak up every second.

Just noticing a few more of the good moments while they’re happening.

Because maybe the gift of presence isn’t about making every moment meaningful.

Maybe it’s realizing that some of them already are.

And we just get to be there for them.

One Question to Take With You

Who makes you feel truly seen?

Maybe it’s your spouse.

Your mom.

Your sister.

A friend.

One of your kids.

Someone who somehow makes you feel like you don’t have to perform or explain or have everything figured out.

I’ve been thinking about my people.

And feeling really grateful that I have them.

Because in a world where we’re all moving pretty fast, there’s something beautiful about finding the people who make us feel like we can slow down for a minute.

People who see us.

People we see too.

Maybe that’s one of the sweetest gifts we can give each other.

xoxo,
Jen