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What makes you mad? I mean, really mad? Blood burning, seeing red, maybe even a bit irrational mad? The kind of anger that makes you abandon your dignity and decency. For some of us it’s a trigger that is easily lit, for others it is a slow burn with an explosive eruption.  Anger is one of those emotions that changes us.  Over time it can alter our personality until we become someone we no longer recognize.  We become lost in the details and finger pointing.  Sometimes we forget what started the argument in the first place because we are so focused on being right.  

The anger is in all of us to some degree.  We see it in children when their toys are snatched and adults when a car careens in front of them on the freeway, cutting them off.  Sometimes choice words slip out of our mouths or even tears sting our eyes.  The mix of anger and hurt can certainly be exacerbated when those we love turn their anger on us.

I’ve always thought anger management was an interesting term.  To manage our anger means to what?  To me it sounds like trying to tame a wild stallion: managing the unmanageable.  What if instead of managing anger we employ methods and means to disarm and disable?  Instead of trying to put a genie back in its lamp, what if we meet the anger right where it is?  

People are going to hurt us in all kinds of ways.  The moment you put two people in a room you are bound to find some levels of disagreement.  It is a good thing that we do not all think the same way, feel the same way, or want to dream about the same things. There is so much beauty in our uniqueness.  But sometimes those differences become the pillars we stand on to justify our anger.  We mask our unwillingness to listen with righteousness and cast blame to shield ourselves.

Anger can also be unjustified and merciless.  It can be cruel and completely unfair.  It can lead to the worst crimes and the most horrific outcomes.  Anger can be a weapon of mass destruction with many casualties.  The news is filled with example after example.  

But what if we circle back to the idea of meeting anger right where it is and if possible sitting down and staring it in the eyes, would that make a difference?  I believe it would.  So how do we meet it?

Recognizing that our anger is a reaction is the first step.  We cannot control what others might do or say or how they may treat us.  But we do have control of our reaction, however positive or negative.  We have the ability to make it worse or walk away.  And in some cases even make it better.  We can clear up a misunderstanding or apologize for our part.  I see our greatest challenge as…

How do we take responsibility for our reaction?

It is so much easier to retreat or fight.  To curl into a ball or yell back.  But those words are like tiny cuts, breaking off the edges of our marriages, or friendships, or sibling relationships.  Tiny cuts, over time, leave us with nothing left.  Or we build the walls.  Walls that have been built so high and fortified over time so we no longer feel the pain.  But the walls also create numbness.  They take away our ability to feel anything.  We miss out on the joy in exchange for relief.  The life inside us has been snuffed out and we are shells of who we used to be.  The relationship is strained at best and toxic at worst.  We wonder where we went wrong and from the outside looking in wonder why we can’t just get past it.  That’s the thing with anger it usually simmers.  A slow boil that burns over time and keeps track of all the misgivings.  A marker on the wall signifying each time we have been wronged and our grudge grows like a tumor inside of us.  

But what happens when our reaction is grace? Or in the very least neutrality? When we don’t play the eye for an eye game but instead take ourselves out of the ring all together.  To recognize the anger is coming from within them (whoever the them may be at the time).  We learn to walk away or not engage.  Let the dust settle first.  If we did play a part, we sincerely apologize knowing we showed up and took responsibility.  We offer space instead of igniting the fire further.  To invite peace into the conversation instead of using our words as weapons.

Raising girls has taught me how much words matter.  How emotion packed our bodies can be and that words can be a soothing balm or a match in a minefield.  It has caused me to reflect on my own reactions, my own self talk, my own ability to react in grace.  I am not perfect nor do I react out of love all the time.  Just ask my kids and husband!  My emotions get the best of me and I am not my best self.  I will say that this season of raising humans has raised my level of awareness.  Having pre-teens and teens in the house forces you to have a better explanation and a more thoughtful response.  I have learned that I too need time outs and breathing space.  That I do better with a kind word first then the correction.  That my anger is oftentimes worse when I’m tired, hungry, and exhausted-sounds like the toddler years, doesn’t it!  It is usually the same for my kids.  It is incredible what a snack and a kind word can do.

The greatest lesson I hope to pass onto my kids is that we can’t control others’ words or actions.  We can’t force anyone to see the world the way we do.  Just like no one has the right to force their views on us.  We can celebrate our differences of opinions and our knee jerk reaction should be to look for the things that unite rather than divide us.  We can stand on the common ground that dignity and respect are for everyone.  By learning how to take responsibility for how we react and respond we might just uncover one of our greatest superpowers.